Alleged Friendships

I’m often surprised by what some people call a ‘friendship’. Especially when you stand back and watch certain relationships in action. Over the years I’ve observed plenty of alleged friendships which appeared to be anything but friendly. Surely, that’s a sign?

Alarm bells anyone?

Here’s a free friendship tip: if somebody treats you like shit on a regular basis, they’re not your friend.

Crazy, I know.

The ‘Science’ of Friendship

So, how do you choose your friends? Is there are process? A method? In fact, do you actually choose your friendships or do they just evolve? Do your friends need to meet certain criteria? Have you been pushed into some friendships? Is it a prerequisite that your friends have similar values to you? Habits? Beliefs? Principles? Do your friendships typically arise from a common interest or involvement? Or, is it more a situational thing? Do your friendships need to ‘make sense’? Does there need to be some kind of win-win component or is that getting too strategic? Can blokes and girls have healthy non-sexual, uncomplicated friendships? Or does that only work in the movies?

For what it’s worth, here are my thoughts on healthy and unhealthy friendships. As you read, keep in mind that I’ve done zero research (there’s a shock), so I’m speaking (writing) from a purely experiential and observational perspective.

My Friends?

I have never strategically or consciously chosen a friend. Nearly all of my friends are pisspots drink alcohol. I don’t. My friends and I often disagree. Sometimes, heatedly. I have friends who are Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, Agnostics and Atheists. And a few who are confused. I have straight friends and gay friends. And a few more who are confused. The majority of my friends don’t share my passion for training. Or philosophy. Some do. Some of my friends read my articles and books and say “what the f*ck are you on about?” One of my best friends is female, Jewish, married, five years older than me and about to become a grandmother. We have almost nothing in common. Nonetheless, we have a great friendship. Some of my friends are in their twenties. Some, in their seventies. Some think I’m stupid for not getting married. Some think I’m smart.

Fortunately, they all accept me for me. In terms of our friendship, they don’t really care about my brand, my career, my business, my success or any of my ‘stuff’. There’s no agenda, no angle and no conditions. No, they care about Craig the bloke. The complex, flawed, weird creature that I am.

Surprising, I know.

I’m of the opinion that the healthiest friendships develop organically. And that often, they don’t make ‘sense’. My experience is that great friendships are not hard work. Neither are they strategic.

So, how do we know when a friendship is healthy? When we can answer ‘yes’ to the following question:

“Is my life better with this person in it?”

And how do we know when a friendship is unhealthy?

• When we associate more negative (than positive) emotions to a particular person.
• When we are regularly given feedback, judgment or direction that we haven’t sought.
• When the friendship is ‘driven’ by one person.
• When we need to meet certain criteria to retain our ‘membership’ to the friendship.
• When we feel more like a doormat than a valued, loved friend.
• When we are a friend of convenience – the other person appears and disappears when it suits them.
• When the relationship is constant hard work. 

Sometimes, we are so desperate to have someone as part of our life, or to belong to a group, that we compromise ourselves – and not in a good way. We allow ourselves to be used, manipulated and even, degraded. We give away our power and our dignity. If you need to ‘play a role’ to be part of a friendship then maybe it’s time to step away and be you.     

If you don’t like you, nobody else will. The most important friendship you will ever have is with yourself.

So start there