Have you ever arrived at a destination – literally or metaphorically – only to discover that it wasn’t what you thought it would be? It didn’t live up to your expectations? Or maybe you purchased something only to realise that the marketing was much better than the actual product? The idea wasn’t the reality? In other words, you didn’t get what you expected?  

Me too.

The Happiness Goal

In a few weeks, millions (and millions) of people from all around the world will set goals for the New Year. It’s what we’ve been taught to do. It’s our ritual. Our culture. Our way. It’s how we get stuff. Fix stuff. Manage stuff. Change stuff. Apparently. We’ll set personal goals. And professional goals. Financial goals. Fitness goals. Academic goals. Behavioural goals. Short-term. Long-term. Goals, goals, goals. Apparently, achieving our goals will make our life better. It will make us successful. And happy.  

Or not.

Is it true? Does ticking boxes, completing to-do lists and achieving goals necessarily equal happiness?  Improvement? Growth? Let’s take a look at how a typical goal-setting process might work:

John

John is not a particularly happy cat. But he wants to be. He works long hours, earns an average wage, doesn’t feel appreciated, is frustrated and constantly struggles to keep his head above water – financially speaking. He reasons that more money is the solution to his problems. Not an altogether unreasonable point of view. So, together with his life-coach Bryce (don’t ask), he sets himself the goal of doubling his wage within two years. On some level (consciously or not), he believes that more money will equal less stress and anxiety, a nicer car, a better standard of living, cooler clothes, more approval, greater self-esteem and it might even make him more attractive to a potential life-partner.

In reality, it’s not the money (as such) that John’s after but rather what he believes a greater income will bring to his life: new stuff, better stuff, different stuff. Which he believes will equate to happiness. Which is why he does the goal-setting thing in the first place.

Two years later, John has achieved what he set out to. Kind of. He’s earning twice the money, has climbed the corporate ladder, is driving a nicer car, living in a better house in a better suburb and he’s even had his teeth whitened. He’s flying.

And miserable.

For some reason, in the middle of all his professional achievements, box-ticking and acquiring of cool new stuff, there’s no happiness to be found. He feels empty. Depressed even.

But why?  

A few possibilities:

1. Maybe the crucial thing missing in John’s life wasn’t money after all.
2. Perhaps his happiness is more about his internal reality than anything in his physical world.
3. Maybe his emotional, physiological and/or sociological needs will never be met with new stuff, better stuff or different stuff.

Where Happiness Ain’t

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with acquiring stuff, ticking boxes or making shit-loads of money (of course), sometimes we simply look for answers in the wrong place. We set the wrong goals. We seek happiness where it ain’t. And when that’s the case, it doesn’t matter how hard we work – we won’t find what we’re really looking for.

Earning more money won’t give me a better relationship with my wife when her love language is quality time. She doesn’t need more money, she needs more me. Losing thirty kilos won’t necessarily make me a happier person. All weight-loss guarantees is weight-loss. Gaining a degree (although a great achievement) won’t automatically improve my self esteem or confidence. It might just mean that I’m well-educated and insecure. Still. And driving a Porsche doesn’t necessarily equal cool.

Sometimes, it equals tool.

The ‘Why’

These days, when I help people through their goal-setting process, I’m more interested in the ‘why’ than I am the ‘what’. What they want is an issue but why they want it is the issue. Their why is their driver. Their ‘real’ goal.  Their why tells me who they are beyond the outward goal. Sometimes, we need to take our ego and over-thinking mind out of the goal-setting process. Sometimes we need to tap into our inner-intelligence and pay attention. Setting goals can be a healthy, normal and valuable part of our journey when we go about it consciously.

So, if you’re thinking about setting some goals any time soon, you might want to forget the what and focus on the why.

What’s your why?